It’s all my fault. I admit it. If anyone deserves time in the clink, it’s me.



I deserve hard time. You should see my rap sheep. You name it, I’ve done it. I’ve lunged for sharp corners, ingested hairballs, reached for electrical sockets, tugged on power chords, chewed alphabet floor tiles, pulled armoire drawers, licked sneaker soles, face planted onto hardwood (and almost chipped a tooth!), chewed chair legs and attempted to scale impossibly top-heavy furniture that threatens to tumble down and crush me!

I guess I should feel lucky. I’m behind bars now, relatively safe. Yeah, my cellmates are a little sketchy. There’s a shifty-eyed lamb and a freakishly chipper ragamuffin girl who won’t stop shaking her rattle and crinkling her dress, but they both seem harmless enough.

Anyway, I digress. I’m incinerated but it’s for the best. Just imagine the alternative. Me, out on the streets, choking to death, goose-egg bumps, toothless and crushed under heavy furniture. I know, it’s not a pretty thought.

Mom and Dad say it’ll only be a few month, a year, max. We’ve got the best lawyers money can buy, so I’m hopeful. Don’t forget me while I’m gone.

xoxo
-Tess